Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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