Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
