Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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