I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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