i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
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