we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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