she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
