you're like a bully in the Christmas story
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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