it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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