I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
where are my eyebrows?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
