What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize