My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
