she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize