every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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