alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
they're like a gay fantastic four
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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