God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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