she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
