The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
