I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
