True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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