Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
