would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
