I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
