i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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