When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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