The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
