The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I know her cup size but not her name....
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
