we have pet lesbian snakes
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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