I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
