I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
