I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
