i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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