even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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