I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
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