I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
