Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
