you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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