What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
fuck your aforementioned shoe
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
