trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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