hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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