if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
