This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
