do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Text me some of your sweat
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
