So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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