If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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