the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Randomize
