So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
That's when you crack a 10am beer
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
