Can i not drive my cunt home
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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