just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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