I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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