Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
