ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
He passed out mid-signature
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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