Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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