My cat gives me a boner
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
