i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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