is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
