Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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