Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Randomize
